There are moments in your life when you have to make difficult choices. Sometimes, those moments include letting go of someone you love. When this happens, you know you have been through a lot with the person and, at the moment, it is in the best interest of all involved to move on in life no longer being part of one another's life.
I have found myself in this situation. I love my brother with all my heart, but right now it is no prudent for me to continue fighting for our relationship. It is time for us to go our separate ways and seek happiness in our own lives. It is an extremely heartbreaking decision for me to make and I have shed a lot of tears over it, but in the end I feel this is what is best. I need to focus on other things in my life rather than having to put so much effort into trying to make things work between myself and him with his wife, whom I have strong negative feelings about, doing everything in her power to destroy. I have to give it to her, she has a very manipulating way about her and is great at making the other person look like they are in the wrong when it is obvious she is the one starting the problems. Well, if my brother wants to believe her (whom he has only known a very short time and she has a very poor history of three failed marriages lasting very short periods and is disrespectful in posting inappropriate photos of herself online, as well as making out with my brother in front of our entire family - siblings, parents and children, after only having met us once before) over his sister, who has been there for him through thick and thin of divorce, a major car accident, problems with his ex-wife and getting custody of their sons away from her, and even listening to problems he has had with the new wife. I have been honest about everything. I tried to bite my tongue, but she began a fight a while back and I finally had enough and told her exactly how I felt and what I thought. That is what happens when you push someone too far. Of course, that was her plan and she used it against me to lure my brother more into her web and farther from me. She is conniving and manipulative. She has claws and she has them dug deep into my brother. Her family belongs to a cult and we fear she is pulling him away from us and into that cult with her family. She now has him spending time with her family and not his own, but she tries to claim she pushes him to spend time with us when she talks to our mom. She sucks up to my parents and falsely uses faith as a way to get in with my parents, but lives an ungodly life. It has been awful and I so badly wish she would just go away and leave my brother alone.
I know he was lonely and I know men do not do well lonely, but he was much better off without her. My brother has reported to me a while back and more recently to my mother that she treats my nephews badly, but when confronted about that now, he denies it and says she loves them and takes good care of them. A matter of a few weeks ago, he was telling our mom that he wanted her to leave and not come back and now his story is that he is so in love with her and can't live without her. This isn't the first time he has said this, as he said the same thing to me a few weeks before he told our parents he was going to marry her. I don't understand the constant flip flop, back and forth, swing of emotions toward her. If you love someone that much, you don't ever want them to leave, even when they have hurt you. And why would you let someone treat your children badly? She tells my 10 year old nephew that he is fat. Who does that to a child? And how can you tell him that he is fat when your own daughter is quite overweight? Isn't that a bit hypocritical?
Well, anyway... My brother has been bamboozled and I am no longer willing to continue to fight for his love. I have spent the last 8 weeks having 2 surgeries to reconstruct the first of two broken ankles, with two more surgeries to go to reconstruct the other ankle and at least 15 more weeks until I may be finished with the surgeries and rehab of both ankles. During all of this, my brother, whom normally would text and call to check on me frequently, has not been checking on me at all. I send him updates that I send to the rest of our extended family (aunt and cousins) and get no reply. I feel like he just doesn't care about me or my family anymore and am no longer sharing my life with him. Why keep putting effort in with someone that shows no interest in being part of your life any longer? There is none. I am done and my life can still be complete without him. I have shed my tears and I may shed a few more tonight, but I will leave them on my pillow and move forward with my life and be happy with the people I have in my life now.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Trust
R-E-S-P-E-C-T! It is not just a great song that we all love to sing. It is the cornerstone of any relationship and when I say relationship I am not just referring to the romantic kind. Within every parent-child, husband-wife, employer-employee, friend-friend, doctor- patient relationship there must be respect. You have to respect the wisdom of a parent to care for the child; the husband and wife to look out for the best interest of one another; the employer to provide for the employee and the employee to work hard for the employer; the friend to be there for one another through thick and thin; the doctor to provide appropriate care to the patient and the patient to be honest with the doctor.
Within the confines of a marriage one seeks loyalty, honesty, love, trust and security. In the parent-child relationship, the child depends on the parent to provide for its needs, offer advice when needed, teach daily living skills and encourage the exploration of his/ her talents. In the employer-employee relationship there must be trust on both parts, there is a responsibility to one another to provide - the employer to provide fair compensation and benefits and the employee to provide fair work for the compensation, as well as a trust to keep business matters confidential. In the doctor-patient relationship there is a trust by the patient in the doctor's ability to provide the most appropriate care and by the doctor that the patient is being honest about their health history and symptoms. Without this, things can go awry.
As a single women, I have been asked by many people what is it that I am looking for in a man. The answer is quite simple - RESPECT! It is the sinlge most important quality to have in any relationship. As long as there is respect, loyalty, honesty, security and trust is always present. In order to cheat on someone, you have to lose respect for that person. In order to lie or gossip about another person, you can not have respect for him/ her. In order to steal from an employer, you must not have respect for them. If a doctor performs an unnecessary procedure or fails to test a patient for a possible condition symptoms point to, then the doctor does not respect the patient. If a parent fails to care for a child or puts their wants above the needs of their child, there is no respect for the child and if a child speaks rudely to a parent, the child is lacking in respect for the parent.
If we make it a priority in our life to respect others and respect ourselves, life will be much more pleasant and fulfilling for all.
Within the confines of a marriage one seeks loyalty, honesty, love, trust and security. In the parent-child relationship, the child depends on the parent to provide for its needs, offer advice when needed, teach daily living skills and encourage the exploration of his/ her talents. In the employer-employee relationship there must be trust on both parts, there is a responsibility to one another to provide - the employer to provide fair compensation and benefits and the employee to provide fair work for the compensation, as well as a trust to keep business matters confidential. In the doctor-patient relationship there is a trust by the patient in the doctor's ability to provide the most appropriate care and by the doctor that the patient is being honest about their health history and symptoms. Without this, things can go awry.
As a single women, I have been asked by many people what is it that I am looking for in a man. The answer is quite simple - RESPECT! It is the sinlge most important quality to have in any relationship. As long as there is respect, loyalty, honesty, security and trust is always present. In order to cheat on someone, you have to lose respect for that person. In order to lie or gossip about another person, you can not have respect for him/ her. In order to steal from an employer, you must not have respect for them. If a doctor performs an unnecessary procedure or fails to test a patient for a possible condition symptoms point to, then the doctor does not respect the patient. If a parent fails to care for a child or puts their wants above the needs of their child, there is no respect for the child and if a child speaks rudely to a parent, the child is lacking in respect for the parent.
If we make it a priority in our life to respect others and respect ourselves, life will be much more pleasant and fulfilling for all.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
A Child's Village
Anyone who has ever been a parent, or even a child's caregiver at all, will fully agree that raising children is as far from easy as climbing the highest peaks. Just like with any mountain range, there are ups and downs, peaks and valleys. There are times when it feels hard to breathe. There are times when you are just so exhausted you aren't sure how much more you have to give. There are times of great jubilation at the summit of a mountain. No one ever said it would be easy. No one ever designed a how-to manual. No one ever wrote a play book for parenting. No, it is all learned through trial and error - you just have to do your best, use your common sense, and pray when times seem tough.
When Hillary Clinton said, "it takes a village to raise a child," it was the most poignant thing ever to come from her lips. For the first time, I agreed with her. It does take a village to raise a child. The village consists of unconditionally loving parents, involved family members, friends that are true and there at all times, teachers that not only want to educate, but also want to love the children they teach, and people who don't even realize they are in a village. It takes having a network of people who love the child, who teach the child in every way, who lend support when it is needed and worry even when there seems to be no reason to.
From the time a child is conceived this network begins to develop. The parents begin loving, caring for and worrying about the child well before his/ her birth. The family eagerly awaits the child's birth and prays for good health and a safe delivery. The friends pray as well and are there to talk about the joys and pains of the pregnancy. The network has already fallen in love with the child well before they have even had a chance to see him/ her. Once the child is born, and as the child grows, the network grows with him/ her - doctors, teachers, more friends, and even acquaintances are placed in the child's life to fill in a piece of the child's Life Pie. The size of the pie piece is not going to be equal by any means for each category within the network. Obviously, the largest piece of the pie lies with the parents. They are the ones who handle the day to day living situations. They are the ones that make sure the child has the necessities and many times a lot of the luxuries in life. They provide the guidance, love, support, nurture and discipline the child needs to grow into a well rounded adult. The extended family is there to support the family unit (mom, dad and child/ children) and to also provide a certain level of guidance and discipline. The family provides love and nurture as well, just a little different than the loving bond between parent and child. The friends support the family unit and provide an outlet when one needs to talk. They are there to help when it is needed. They, too, love the child, as well as the family. Acquaintances never realize the importance of their role in a child's life. Their kindness can touch a trouble heart. Their actions can provide a guidance that they may not see. And their words can give great insight and knowledge, many times this can happen within a relatively simple conversation and sometimes unknowingly.
The job of raising a child lies primarily with the parents, however it must be realized the sole responsibility is not with the parents. It is with each of us that comes in contact with a child, even if there are no words spoken or touch given. It is the way you conduct yourself within a child's view. It is the smile you share. It is the prayer you pray. It is the very nature of being a good example, not some of the time, but being conscious of your behaviour all of the time.
To each of us, I pray we are able to conduct ourselves with honor, respect, wisdom, love and with the reminder that little eyes are all around and it is up to us to be that good example for every child... and even for the adults that might not realize the the significance of their own actions in the lives of the children in their village. Proudly accept your role within the village and be the shining example a child needs to see - always!
When Hillary Clinton said, "it takes a village to raise a child," it was the most poignant thing ever to come from her lips. For the first time, I agreed with her. It does take a village to raise a child. The village consists of unconditionally loving parents, involved family members, friends that are true and there at all times, teachers that not only want to educate, but also want to love the children they teach, and people who don't even realize they are in a village. It takes having a network of people who love the child, who teach the child in every way, who lend support when it is needed and worry even when there seems to be no reason to.
From the time a child is conceived this network begins to develop. The parents begin loving, caring for and worrying about the child well before his/ her birth. The family eagerly awaits the child's birth and prays for good health and a safe delivery. The friends pray as well and are there to talk about the joys and pains of the pregnancy. The network has already fallen in love with the child well before they have even had a chance to see him/ her. Once the child is born, and as the child grows, the network grows with him/ her - doctors, teachers, more friends, and even acquaintances are placed in the child's life to fill in a piece of the child's Life Pie. The size of the pie piece is not going to be equal by any means for each category within the network. Obviously, the largest piece of the pie lies with the parents. They are the ones who handle the day to day living situations. They are the ones that make sure the child has the necessities and many times a lot of the luxuries in life. They provide the guidance, love, support, nurture and discipline the child needs to grow into a well rounded adult. The extended family is there to support the family unit (mom, dad and child/ children) and to also provide a certain level of guidance and discipline. The family provides love and nurture as well, just a little different than the loving bond between parent and child. The friends support the family unit and provide an outlet when one needs to talk. They are there to help when it is needed. They, too, love the child, as well as the family. Acquaintances never realize the importance of their role in a child's life. Their kindness can touch a trouble heart. Their actions can provide a guidance that they may not see. And their words can give great insight and knowledge, many times this can happen within a relatively simple conversation and sometimes unknowingly.
The job of raising a child lies primarily with the parents, however it must be realized the sole responsibility is not with the parents. It is with each of us that comes in contact with a child, even if there are no words spoken or touch given. It is the way you conduct yourself within a child's view. It is the smile you share. It is the prayer you pray. It is the very nature of being a good example, not some of the time, but being conscious of your behaviour all of the time.
To each of us, I pray we are able to conduct ourselves with honor, respect, wisdom, love and with the reminder that little eyes are all around and it is up to us to be that good example for every child... and even for the adults that might not realize the the significance of their own actions in the lives of the children in their village. Proudly accept your role within the village and be the shining example a child needs to see - always!
Monday, September 27, 2010
Sometimes I Do Listen - Amazing!
There is nothing wrong with my hearing, other than there are periods where I like to revert back to childhood/ adolescence and use my ability of selective hearing. For example, when any of my three daughters is arguing with another one; or when any of the three girls decides to whine about something that is unfair in life (get over it, life will never be fair - especially when you are a teen!); or when friends are bad mouthing other friends that are not present - these are situations where I generally opt to tune out the whole conversation, because to listen just drags me into something I prefer not to be involved in - conflict (though I acknowledge not that all conflict is avoidable). Now, in contrast, there are times when I have extremely acute hearing, like when my daughters and their friends are talking/ gossiping. It is amazing how far away I can be and hear something about one of the girls liking a boy or that one of their friends did something naughty with a boy... Oh, I am right on top of that conversation from 5 miles away!! Selective hearing - it comes in handy.
Now comes the part where I have to confess that I also listen to others when it comes to advice. I have been in situations where I have been told that I need to sit back when others are in conflict with one another and let everything play out - "don't let others drag you into the mess". I listened and I am thankful that I did, because, by George, (big gulp as I swallow my pride) he was right. If I had allowed myself to have been fully engulfed by the situation, I would have lost someone special to me. Yes dear, I listened!
Lord, believe it or not, my ears are not deaf to what you are telling me either. I hear Your wisdom through Your words as I read them. Perseverance - I have not had an easy life, but through it all You have been a constant voice of reason, even before I came to know you as an adult. I had a strong conscience that proved, over and over again, to be You living in me and guiding me (not that I always followed the path You wanted me to, after all I am human). I have lived and learned through many periods of pain, grief, and struggle, but I have never fallen, because You have always been there as my safety net to protect me. You, like any other parent, tell me what I should do and it is my choice to listen or turn my head in ignorance. I am guilty of a lot of head turning and claim all of the ignorance, because it is all mine to claim. I have walked through the fire and laid in the bed of roses. The fire brought me more knowledge and wisdom than the bed of roses, because until you have experienced pain, you can not comprehend fully the magnificence of joy. There is a level of appreciation that comes with the tough times in life, it is hard to see at the time, but reflect back and you will see what you missed back then. You walk through the pain and struggle and on the other side you find a peace and sense of understanding. No struggle that you go through is pointless - it is a matter of recognizing and hearing the message that is being sent to you. There is a lesson to be learned in everything we do. Be careful that you are not missing it, because you are busy being self absorbed or ignorant. Keep your heart, mind, eyes and ears open for what might be spoken or shown to you today!
Now comes the part where I have to confess that I also listen to others when it comes to advice. I have been in situations where I have been told that I need to sit back when others are in conflict with one another and let everything play out - "don't let others drag you into the mess". I listened and I am thankful that I did, because, by George, (big gulp as I swallow my pride) he was right. If I had allowed myself to have been fully engulfed by the situation, I would have lost someone special to me. Yes dear, I listened!
Lord, believe it or not, my ears are not deaf to what you are telling me either. I hear Your wisdom through Your words as I read them. Perseverance - I have not had an easy life, but through it all You have been a constant voice of reason, even before I came to know you as an adult. I had a strong conscience that proved, over and over again, to be You living in me and guiding me (not that I always followed the path You wanted me to, after all I am human). I have lived and learned through many periods of pain, grief, and struggle, but I have never fallen, because You have always been there as my safety net to protect me. You, like any other parent, tell me what I should do and it is my choice to listen or turn my head in ignorance. I am guilty of a lot of head turning and claim all of the ignorance, because it is all mine to claim. I have walked through the fire and laid in the bed of roses. The fire brought me more knowledge and wisdom than the bed of roses, because until you have experienced pain, you can not comprehend fully the magnificence of joy. There is a level of appreciation that comes with the tough times in life, it is hard to see at the time, but reflect back and you will see what you missed back then. You walk through the pain and struggle and on the other side you find a peace and sense of understanding. No struggle that you go through is pointless - it is a matter of recognizing and hearing the message that is being sent to you. There is a lesson to be learned in everything we do. Be careful that you are not missing it, because you are busy being self absorbed or ignorant. Keep your heart, mind, eyes and ears open for what might be spoken or shown to you today!
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